Warning signs in courtship

Invite him for supper with the folks before making final decision, priest advises

- Design Pics photo Ain't love grand? But local priests have somethings to watch for before you go marchiing up the aisle.

By BILL GLEN
WCR Staff Writer
Edmonton

Father Clem Gauthier said he has misjudged only one couple out of more than 100 he has counselled or wed during his 43 years as a priest. Their marriage failed after he was certain it was made in heaven.

Being able to tell whether a couple will succeed is based more on intuition rather than anything tangible. The warning signs are rarely obvious.

Instead, Gauthier relies on his experience and instincts to predict the success of a courting or engaged couple.

"If a woman wants to see how she will be treated, go to dinner with him at his parents' house and see how he treats them and his brothers and sisters. He isn't going to change. What you see is what you get," said Gauthier.

Is mom in charge?

"Or, bring him over to visit her parents. If he's jerk, he isn't going to get better."

Pastor of Assumption Parish, Gauthier is a marriage tribunal judge with the Edmonton Archdiocese who has helped create a questionnaire for couples to assist them in discussing everyday matters, such as financing and religious history and expectations. But it also delves into past addictions, abuse and abortion. It gives the couple a hands-on way to address issues they might have trouble discussing privately.

"I'm always perturbed when it is the mother of one of the spouses who phones to make arrangements for the marriage. It means she is in charge. That is a danger signal," Gauthier said.

Gauthier's primary concern is that the couple be happy together. If they are not going to be happy, what is the point of getting married? he asked.

"If they are churchgoers, then much the better because they have to promise they will bring their children up in the faith."

Sometimes a couple will promise to do certain things - or change - after they are married. A couple might be too young or in deep financial insecurity. Gauthier sees all these as signs of potential trouble.

"People believe they are in love and everything will work out. Perhaps it will, but it can be very difficult for them and I don't know if they will survive. Some couples just need to wait awhile."

Love or attraction?

A young couple must distinguish between real love and sexual attraction.

Gauthier wants the partners to know the difference. Their future can look so bright that they are blinded to what they are getting themselves into. He does not want them to be too hasty.

"Love is to want what is best for the other person. If you don't have the wherewithal right now, I think they should wait two or three years until they have the financial means," he said.

"They should both be realistic and have some skills or a little career. What if the husband takes sick shortly after the marriage? They need to carry on."

Father Oscar Monroy says partners in a relationship should communicate well whether everything appears bright or if the relationship has taken a downturn.

While each relationship is different, there are three key factors he looks for in every relationship.

The presence of security

"Each person must offer the other security. If someone is continually going up and down, the other will feel distress. They also must respect each other's dignity. And they must be able to communicate. If they close the communication, they will be done," said Monroy, pastor of St. Peter's Parish in Villeneuve.

The three factors are interconnected, he said. If one is lacking but the other two thriving, he helps the couple focus on the weak area of their relationship.

Monroy also looks to see whether the relationship contains an element of humility.

"The partners must recognize that if they were wrong, they admit it. Until he says he was wrong, she might not believe anything he says. There is no trust, no security. This is terrible."

Gauthier sees a problem when a partner spends more time doing activities he enjoys than he does with his spouse. He can tell because the person usually says "I" or "me" before "we" or "us."

"You marry a person and you must be willing to take that person on and journey with them in a personal and spiritual way. They must get to know each other and share. A relationship is very demanding and you must give of yourself and not always take for yourself."

Couples who are willing to listen or to take the marriage preparation course are off to a good start, he said. "They meet other couples and the interaction always helps."

Gauthier recalled one couple who met in church, sang in the choir, fell in love and were married. But it ended. He wondered whether they had seriously discussed their expectations of each other.

On the other hand, other couples have the endurance and resolve to see things through.

"I went to anoint an old woman recently who was dying. Her husband was there. He told me that his marriage was one that was not expected to work because she is French and he is English. She is Catholic and he was Protestant. She was older than him."

He told Gauthier he became Catholic and joined the Church. He learned to speak some French. There was compromise.

As he held her hand, the man told Gauthier: "Father, we have been married for 43 years. We fooled them all."

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