Just be there . . . and listen

Don't abandon a grieving friend

By LISA PETSCHE
Special to the WCR

When someone you know loses a loved one to death, you want to reach out to him or her (for simplicity, the latter will be used from here on) but may feel unsure of what to say or do.The following is some advice.

• Don't agonize over what to say. Keep it simple and heartfelt - for example, "I'm so sorry," "My heart goes out to you," "I'm here for you" or perhaps even "I'm at a loss for words." Avoid platitudes, such as "It's for the best" or "You still have a lot to be thankful for."
• Let your friend do the talking and listen attentively and non-judgmentally. Resist the urge to give advice or recount your own experiences. Be prepared for repetition - this is part of working through grief.
• Accept silence. Sometimes a bereaved person may not feel like talking but would nonetheless appreciate companionship. Remember, too, that body language - a touch of your hand, pat on the shoulder or hug - can also express support and caring, often better than words.
• Keep in mind that grief affects people emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically, and that, although there may be similarities, no two people grieve alike.

• . Don't underestimate the pain your friend is experiencing and don't discourage tears or urge her to "Be strong." Don't try to withhold your own tears, either; they are a sign that you care.

• Share memories of her loved one - kind or funny things he did or words of wisdom he shared with you.
• Find a favourite photo of the deceased person, frame it and give it to your friend.
• Let her know you are praying for her and her departed loved one. Offer to pray together with her.
• Encourage her to practise self-care, getting adequate nutrition, exercise and sleep and scheduling regular medical checkups, as well as avoiding unnecessary stress. Discourage the use of alcohol or medication as a coping mechanism.
• Offer to help in practical ways, such as fielding phone calls, preparing meals, shopping for groceries or running errands. Don't merely let her know you're available if she needs help; make concrete offers (for example, "I'm going to the grocery store - what can I get you?") or simply go ahead and do things like deliver a casserole or mow her lawn.
• Assure her that her feelings are normal and she's not going crazy, if she expresses concern. Many newly bereaved people experience a spiritual crisis, so don't be alarmed if this happens with your friend. If they persist, encourage her to speak with her pastor (or yours, if she isn't affiliated with a congregation).

After the Funeral

• Continue to stay in touch after the funeral is over. That's when the reality of the loss - with all its implications - sets in, and bereaved people need support more than ever.
• Don't avoid the subject of the deceased person or mention of his name. It's comforting to the bereaved to know that others still remember their loved one as time goes by.
• Be patient with your friend. Since grief saps energy, take the initiative in the relationship for now, calling and arranging visits.
• Encourage her to take one day at a time and to trust that she will eventually heal enough to be able to move forward with her life. Recognize, though, that timelines for healing vary from one person to the next.
• Don't pressure your friend into doing things she doesn't feel ready for, such as sorting through and disposing of her loved one's belongings.
• Discourage her from making major life changes - such as relocating - for the time being, unless they're absolutely necessary.
• Encourage your friend to seek professional help if she's unable to function in her day-to-day life (suggestive of clinical depression), or if she appears to be stuck in one of the phases of grieving (for example, denial or anger).
• Remember special occasions throughout the year that are likely to be difficult: birthdays, wedding anniversaries and holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, as well as the anniversary of death. Consider a memorial Mass card to mark the anniversary of death. If you live close by, offer to accompany her to the cemetery or a place her loved one enjoyed, such as a park or favourite restaurant.

Above all, keep in mind that bereaved people don't expect friends to provide answers to difficult, often philosophical questions - such as "Why did this happen?" - or to take away their pain. What they do want and need is the comfort of knowing they are not alone.

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