Priesthood or Fatherhood?

Celibacy a stumbling block as a young man discerns his vocation

By RENATO GANDIA
WCR Staff Writer

I felt like he set me up for a journey and later changed his mind when that journey was about to commence. As an altar server I became closely familiar with what a priest's life was like. I became deeply attracted to that life.

Instead of explaining to me why he opposed my plan, he expressed his hope that I become an engineer or an architect, professions that would surely help his small business.

Later, I learned the real reason why. It was the issue of celibacy.

I heard him asking someone, "It's difficult enough to be married, how much more not to be?"

In my late teens celibacy was a non-issue for me. When I became a young adult it became an issue, especially when from time to time I would hear news about my high school friends starting their own families.

More and more I realized I was giving up my potential to be a biological father. And somehow a part of me was grieving over that fact. Sure, some people would probably call me father when I become a priest. But to actually sire a child and be a father are realities that will never be part of my curriculum vitae.

Such burning desire can only be kept at the back burner for a period of time. One eventually is faced with the choice of either cooking it or throwing it out.

"I need to sort things out. This issue is like a ghost that will continue to haunt me until I face it squarely," I told my spiritual director when I decided to leave the seminary.

I remember one of my classmates in college told his father when he left the seminary, "Dad, I know you wanted a priest for a son. I want the same. I also want a son who is a priest."

My desire to be of service to the people of God through the priesthood became more intense.

Should I tell my father the same thing? I did not, because although he was originally opposed to me becoming a priest, when I was at the seminary he made peace with my dream and gave me his full support and blessing.

Though bugged by the thoughts of not being a father someday, my desire to be of service to the people of God through the priesthood became more intense. When I left the seminary I missed doing ministry in the parish, in schools and hospitals.

For one thing, I love sharing and breaking open the word of God with people. Of course I can also do that as a lay person. But there is something attractive about the priesthood that is mystical and beyond my comprehension. Taking the risk of being called names, I realized what attracts me to the priesthood is something not to be fully understood, but fully experienced, fully lived.

Another lesson I've learned is that our life's choices allow us to let go of something in order to embrace other things. My father chose the vocation of being married and fatherhood. I am choosing another calling. What is crucial is that what we have chosen to embrace becomes a genuine channel of God's grace.

To me what is clear is I want to be God's instrument in allowing people to experience his never-ending love, as deeply rooted in the celebration of the Holy Eucharist.

My father may never fully understand why priests have to be celibate. And it is okay.

On the other hand I will never fathom what it is like to be a father. For me it will be a mystery shrouded in veil. But I know what it's like to be a son.

Ludicrous as it may sound, I believe celibacy like fatherhood is mystical. It is not meant to be fully understood, but fully experienced and lived.

Celibacy to be fully lived has to be based on chastity. And everyone, lay or ordained, is called to be chaste. As Carla Przybilla puts it, "Chastity is a way of loving that belongs to all Christians. Its goal is to produce lives that are noticeably marked by love."

And I believe it is that love that will sustain me in my journey: the love of my father, my mother, my whole family; the love of people who crossed my path, the love of friends I met and more importantly the love of God.

( Renato Gandia has been a reporter with the WCR for the past two years. He will soon return to St. Joseph Seminary to study for the Kamloops Diocese. Contact him at renato@wcr.ab.ca.)

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